By Nadia Kingsley
DEAR Mr Finnegan,
I work in the Research and Development department of an exceptional company: G******e. I am sure you have heard of us, and have benefitted from many of our products – as we have been leading the way in male grooming, since 1903.
Our most recent market research has shown us that the 21st century male: with his discerning taste and disposable income is not wholly satisfied with the current facial products, however much they are improved, or even newly improved. Today’s man is busy – every second counts. He is used to Blue Sky Thinking, and in being ahead of the pack. The questionnaires that we have gathered from across the planet (covering the appropriate demographics) have sent us a clear message – Today’s successful man wants more, and knows it is his human right to expect more. He doesn’t want to have to overthink his daily grooming needs – he wants us to underthink it for him. He has thrown down the gauntlet of grooming – And we shake his hand and thank him for the challenge.
Imagine this scenario: William is a moderately successful sales guy with huge aspirations. Let me describe his typical day:
It starts early. He needs to be close-shaven for his six o’clock with his boss, but he has overslept, as he was working on his presentation until three: he can take his trusty electric razor on the tube, but that never gets the shave he really craves. There’s a big contract coming up which may mean the difference between holidaying in the Seychelles, or Bognor Regis; then he has a meeting with the shop stewards at eight. Things have come to a head on the factory floor. He will do what he can – he takes his tie off and undoes his top shirt button. He may even push his jacket sleeves up to his elbows. If it hadn’t been for the meeting with his boss he would not have shaved at all today as he knows from the company’s psychologist that visual cues are essential when it comes to establishing trust. That, and providing a great cup of coffee. He is going out with a potential client at lunch, so he wants to be spick and span and on trend. He knows from the marketing team that the client is into goatees and zappettas – but he can’t do anything about that – so he changes his socks from black to the new black and goes into the working lunch dissatisfied. Every working day carries on like this. And at the end of the day when he wants to let his hair down with a few of the lads down the pub – again, he feels dissatisfied: here he would like to be sporting a bushy beard which tells everyone his politics, that intrigues the ladies and tells them that he is his own man. Again he is frustrated. He tosses and turns at night and dreams of a science fiction fantasy future…
So this is why I am writing to you.
I have been given the task of following up all avenues of research.
Most recently I have been investigating myths and urban legends around the globe – including the truth behind some of the unboundedly long songs, such as:
There was an old man called Michael Finnegan
He grew whiskers on his chinnegan
The wind came out and blew them in again
Poor old Michael Finnegan, begin again.
Imagine a future where the length and shape of a man’s facial hair could be determined, instantly, with the use of a pocket-sized fan and a collection of beard style templates such as medium stubb
le, French fork, friendly mutton chops or ducktail.
So… I am wondering if you are related to THE Michael Finnegan – and if so – have you inherited his extraordinary chin? Have you found that windy weather affects your facial hair? Even if it is just by a bit? If so I would like to suggest a proposal. I would like to meet with you, and any of your family that have inherited Michael F’s unique hairy attributes and establish whether it is an inheritable trait and what gene exactly is involved.
Our ultimate goal? To purchase the patent to your hairy genes, at a handsome sum, those of any of your relatives too. We know we could develop the ultimate in male grooming: and the most magnificent gift any man could give their unborn son.
For who knows what the trend in facial hair will be in the future? Being prepared is not only the Boy Scouts motto, but also my own personal mantra.
I can only apologise for taking up your time if it turns out that a) you are not related to the aforementioned Michael Finnegan or b) you have not inherited his magical chin. There is nothing either in the song, or anywhere in written records that can identify THE Michael Finnegan, so I have resorted to writing to all the current Finnegan males, wherever they may be.
I do hope you are the Finnegan I am searching for.
With best wishes
© Nadia Kingsley 2016